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I thought this article was an interesting viewpoint of looking at power struggle and methods of dealing with it:
Avoiding Power Struggles with Children



by Kathryn J. Kvols

Mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner. Ten-year-old Ryan comes in and asks for a candy bar.

Mom says, absently, "Not right now. Dinner will be ready in an hour."

"Why not? I'm hungry now," Ryan insists.

"You know we don't eat candy right before dinner, Ryan!" Mom says irritatedly.

"Yeah, but I'm starving. Come on, just one little candy bar."
Mom stops what she's doing and turns angrily at Ryan. "I told you no candy before dinner and that's all there is to it!"

"But I'm hungry. Why can't I have something to eat when I'm hungry?"

"You are not going to eat a candy bar before dinner. You know the rules in this house. And if you keep this up, you'll go to your room and skip dinner entirely!"

"But, Mom..."

"Is this really about the candy bar?"

Is this a power struggle or just a typical dialogue between a parent and child? And, is this really about the candy bar?

A power struggle is when a person holds one position and another person holds a different position and both are unwilling to change their positions. Then it becomes a struggle for power. It is rarely about the issue at hand. It is about feeling powerless and wanting to feel more power within the situation.

Let's look at the difference between "authentic power" and "coercive power." Coercive power arises from judging children and situations as "bad" or "wrong" and whose ultimate outcome is separation from our children. Force is used to manipulate our child to do what we, as the parent, want them to do. Force includes the use of guilt, threats, punishment, spanking, sarcasm, criticism, intimidations, humiliation, withdrawal of love, yelling, nagging, or any other attempt to control or force our child to do something against her will. Coercive power motivates through fear instead of love and teaches children to be externally motivated rather than driven by their own set of rules or consciences. This allows children to look for outside sources to blame for their mistakes or for others to be responsible for their happiness.

On the other hand, authentic power does not judge a child as "wrong" or "bad," but works to solve problems in ways that will unite or bond with our children through understanding and loving unconditionally. Its intention is to build positive self-concepts and to make sure that everyone wins. It is the ability to empower others to become motivated through paying attention to their own internal feelings, wants and desires, and to listen quietly for inner guidance. Authentic power teaches children that they are their own source of happiness. The end result is closeness, respect, responsibility, cooperation and a sense of joy and aliveness.

Unfortunately, coercive power is very seductive because it often works in the short-term and it is how most of us were parented so we are comfortable with it. It is very easy to use, but it seldom brings lasting results and it definitely creates strains in our relationships. So, how do we stop using it?

The first step in using authentic power is to realize that your child is not bad. That, in fact, your child is "being" just like you when you don't get one of your needs met.

Secondly, admit that coercive behavior is not getting you the results you want, i.e., more closeness and cooperation with your child.

The third step involves using a combination of the 17 ways to avoid power struggles in this article.

The fourth step is experimenting with the alternatives and acknowledging yourself if you were successful. If you weren't, ask yourself how you will do it differently next time. Gently encourage yourself.

The last step is to choose a method of personal growth for yourself that will unblock your ability to unconditionally love yourself, your child, your spouse, and others in your life. This could be books, personal growth courses, or private counseling, but it will help you help yourself.

The following alternatives are 17 ways to avoid power struggles. These are wonderful ways to use authentic power in your relationships with your children and it promotes positive self-concepts and cooperation. Use any or all of these suggestions and see what a difference it makes!

1. Use friendly action. Oftentimes we nag and nag our children about what they should be doing. Or we talk so much that our children become "parent deaf." Use friendly action instead. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, "In just a minute." A minute goes by and the toy still isn't picked up. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy on the floor and walk away. If he says, "What?" just continue smiling and walk away. The minute you start answering questions or talking, you leave the door open to engage in a verbal struggle.


2. Use one word suggestions. We make over 2,000 compliance requests daily to our children, "pick up your toys," "brush your teeth," "eat your cereal," etc. That kind of communication gets old and children just begin to tune it out. Instead, use one word, like "toys" or "teeth" or "cereal." Make sure it is in a friendly voice and with a smile. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging so much and that you will be using just one word from now on to say what needs to be done.


3. No is a complete sentence. Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your children to have the belief that life should go their way and if it doesn't, it's your fault as their parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem.


4. Teach your children to say no to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren't allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-way. Teach your children to say respectfully, "No, I'm not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table." This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.
Let your children know
how valuable they are to you.



5. Give your child choices. We all like to feel powerful and influential and our children are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For instance, "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" or "Do you want to take your bath before I read you a story or after?"


6. Let your children know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to misbehave. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a game or a fun activity.


7. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. In a power struggle the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what the other person wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your child, "I see how you can win and that's great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?" When children see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

EIGHTEEN WAYS TO AVOID POWER STRUGGLES
By Jane Nelsen

Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.

IT TAKES TWO TO CREATE A POWER STRUGGLE.

I have never seen a power drunk child without a power drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment. HOW? The following suggestions teach children important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills -- instead of "approval junkie" compliance or rebellion.

1. Decide what you will do. I will read a story after teeth are brushed. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when children are fighting.)
2. Follow Through The key to this one and all of the following is KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME. (Pull over to the side of the road without saying a word. Children learn more from kind and firm actions than from words.)
3. Positive Time Out. Create a "nurturing" (not punitive) time out area with your child.
4. Distraction for Young Children and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Children are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do -- explore. (Please read "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers.)
5. Get children involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, bedtime). Then the routine chart becomes the boss.
6. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don't set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to toys that aren't picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what you child has to say.)
7. Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution. (Chore story, safe deposit box.)
8. Use ten words or less. One is best: Toys. Towels (that may have been left on the bathroom floor). Homework. (Sometimes these words need to be repeated several times.)
9. Get children involved in cooperation. Say, "I can't make you, but I really need your help." (10 words)
10. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust -- then do something else.
11. Non-verbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.
12. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying, but what she means.
13. Limited choices: Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner. Do you want to set the table or clean up after dinner?
14. Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite child to pick something from the wheel.
15. Create a game: Beat the clock or sing songs while getting chores done.
16. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time out area with them.
17. Use your sense of humor: Here comes the tickle monster to get little children who don't pick up their toys. This creates closeness and trust and can be followed by one of the above.
18. BONUS: HUGS! HUGS! HUGS! A hug is often enough to change the behavior -- theirs and yours.

Also, I am happy to start organizing the dialogues or the narrative aspect of the role play. One thought maybe finding more methods of how to aviod 'power struggles' with children all together.